I have talked about Goodness and Mercy in four times zones in the past 7 days. I have heard so many “me too” stories from post-abortive men and women that I can’t even begin to count them, and in time, they become woven into the tapestry of my life.
But staying busy can sometimes keep pain from surfacing.
Today, the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks as I was walking passed the maternity section in a department store. I was on my way to find the restroom, and as I arrived there, I couldn’t breathe.
I went into a stall and I wept.
So. much. regret. pain. anguish. grief.
I pulled myself together and met my Mom at the escalator. I didn’t want her to know. I was about to take her to the airport and didn’t want our last few hours together to be sad. She’s grieving as a grandmother of aborted grandchildren, and I really want her to have as much time as she needs to do that. This is not all about me.
I pushed my feelings to the side and went on about my evening, which included meeting a few friends for dinner.
There was a new baby girl there with her Mom.
Sweet chubby cheeks. Perfect fair skin. She looked like my babies did.
I tried to laugh with my friends. I tried to join conversations. But I couldn’t.
I got in the car & wept the entire way home.
The pain ebbs and flows. Today it flowed. Some days it takes me on a rollercoaster. Today I rode it to the depths of the valley.
It’s only because of Jesus that I never set up camp in the valley. Visiting there is a good reminder about why I do what I do. It’s for the women in the valley and the babies in heaven who have no voice. I have chosen to be their voice because God asked me to.
Healing from abortion is like peeling away the layers of an onion…only this onion has an endless number of layers. It’s like my heart shattered into a million pieces and it cannot be whole until I see Jesus face to face.
Today, I know He is near to my broken heart. I know He holds my tears. He is my only hope. And I trust that He will make everything beautiful just in time.
“There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Trouble into a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt.” Hosea 2:15