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'I do' ... and 'I do, too'. I’m Going To Marry Myself

Michael Coren on the issue of redefining marriage

Toronto, July 3, 2003 (LifeSiteNews.com) – LifeSite re-publishes as a Special Report today, with the permission of the author, a June 28 article by Michael Coren on the issue of redefining marriage:

“I have wonderful news, and I'd like to share it with all of you. I'm going to marry myself.

There, I've said it. Same-person marriage, at last. And I've never been as happy or as proud.

Well, both of us are really. Equally happy and proud. I'm going to rush down to City Hall with myself and get a marriage licence and everybody in that office will cheer and applaud because finally freedom has been achieved.

I love myself. I really, really do. Genuine, deep love. We've been together for years now and there is no way we'll ever break up. It's a special love and I know that not everybody will understand it. But what does that matter? We think alike, laugh at the same things, enjoy the same food. Even dress alike. Cute, I know.

It's true we can't have children, but we can always adopt. Or one of us could have brief, loveless sex with an obliging woman who will then hand over the little person after nine months. Nothing odd about that, it happens a lot these days.

You say these children are pawns, being used and exploited and indoctrinated? But there's no evidence for that. Okay, it's just started and we don't know what will happen in the future. But if I'm willing to take a chance on the lives of numerous little boys and girls, so should you.

There are always those religious nuts who will call me, call us, crazy but they should look at themselves first. There are only a few dozen of these evangelical Christian types around and they all live in one small town in Alberta. So who cares?

I mean, I may not have read the Bible or anything and I don't actually know any real Christians but I've been told the Bible in fact allows self-marriage and that the church has persecuted and executed millions of self-lovers over the centuries.

Didn't Jesus say, "Never, ever, ever judge anyone or anything and do whatever you like at any time"? Nothing more to be said on that one, then.

Then there are the hysterical people who say it's all a slippery slope and next we'll be marrying brothers and sisters and men to four women. But incest is illegal. Mind you, so was same-person marriage until recently, so I suppose the law can be changed very easily. And why not indeed? Love is everything.

It's all about equality. I demand to have what you have. In fact, I want more equality than you have. I demand that while I can say lots of nasty things in my community, in my newspapers and on friendly television and radio shows about your alleged stupidity and bigotry, if you dare say anything like that about me, I'll sue you or take you to a human rights tribunal. And you can be sure it will hear my case.

Even if I don't win, it'll cost you thousands of dollars and lots of stress to defend yourself. Sorry, but that's the price we have to pay for equality. You see, society is evolving. Just because you say that society might actually be getting worse with all of the materialism, moral decay and the rest, I know the very fact I can now marry myself means it's getting better and more enlightened.

It's been argued by some selfophobes that many, if not most, of the writers and columnists who support self-marriage have nothing to say about, for example, Arab children being bombed to death by a superpower, about poverty in the Third World caused by the West or any other major issue. But they are obsessed about self-love.

All I can say to these people is they don't understand just how painful it is for a person when he or she is not allowed to marry his or her own self. It's probably the most important issue in the history of the world. If you understand that, you'd understand why the views of millions of Canadians are totally irrelevant.

Wish us luck on our journey of devotion and discovery. Marriage is a lot of fun, and getting funnier all the time.

Published courtesy of LifeSite and with permission of Michael Coren

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