Jonathon van Maren

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‘How to convince a girl to get an abortion’: the article you wish was satire, but isn’t

Jonathon van Maren
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When a colleague sent me an article titled How To Convince A Girl To Get An Abortion, I was pretty sure it was satire. I mean, abortion activists have been increasingly less apologetic about their penchant for feticide, academics have been kowtowing to the idea of “forced fatherhood,” and “abortion contracts” may become “a thing,” but seriously? Surely no guy is willing to brazenly confess what I routinely accuse them of: That they are quite simply willing to satiate their sexual appetites regardless of who gets killed in the process.

Well, no longer. A writer for the ironically titled website Return of Kings is willing to come out waving his bloodstained cad flag boldly. He has bravely given himself the pseudonym “Bacon” (which translates more or less into “Dead Pig,” I should think) and describes himself as “a libertarian that enjoys spending his time in developed countries.” This solidifys my suspicion that “libertarians” who carry their views from the realm of political theory into the social context rapidly become unabashed “libertines” and are only “liberated” from their pants, at the expense of everybody around them.

Mr. Bacon describes three ways that he talks girls unfortunate enough to have had the experience of sleeping with him: the “Hail Mary,” the “Asshole Method,” and the “Wildcard Method.” In the first, Mr. Bacon writes with the subtly of a drunk Robert Pickton, the “man” should tell the girl in the sweetest way possible that “if she has the abortion now, you will be able to plan your lives together so that everything is perfect. Then, after she agrees and has the abortion, dump her.” Baby in the dumpster, Mommy on the doorstep, and Mr. Bacon is a sizzling bachelor. Welcome to 21st century feminism, ladies and gentlemen. It’s to die for.

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The “Asshole Method” is pretty much precisely what it sounds like: Tell the girl, Mr. Bacon advises us with all the charm of a date rapist, that you won’t stick around if she keeps the baby, that you refuse to be a father, and that you’re going to drive her to the abortion clinic right now. The difficult part for those with feelings and some residual humanity, he admits, is that you need to “keep your emotions in check the whole time. If you budge on that, she could doubt your sincerity and be swayed to keep the kid.” The result, of course, is the same: A dead baby, a betrayed girl—but!—liberty for Mr. Bacon! There’s always more victims where they came from, and the guillotines of the Sexual Revolution are a short trip to the local Planned Parenthood away.

The “Wildcard Method” is simple—just lie like a psychopath until she caves. You have a disease (no argument there), your genetics are terrible (nature versus nurture?), and the child will have a terrible life, etc. Once you’ve scared her into offing your kid, run like crazy.

I’m not sure there’s anything one can really say about this article beyond what The Dead Pig has already written. But I checked to see what else he had written, and apparently, he has the moral character of a concentration camp guard. His previous article was entitled “Got a Girl at your Crib? Feed Her These Drinks,” and then details how to unleash an intoxicant attack on the female frontal lobe until their judgement is diminished enough to climb into bed. Here’s one line: “Gentlemen this cocktail is in many ways the equivalent to spiking a girl’s drink with roofies but with none of the legal and moral complications. Basically, if the devil was serving a punch bowl to a bunch of church ladies this would be his recipe.”

I’d like to be surprised, but I’ve met guys like this. Most of us probably have. Mr. Bacon is not alone—there are plenty of swine out there trying to oink just like him. They’re carnivorous, cannibalistic, and uninhibited—and the kindly ladies of the Sexual Revolution were the ones kind enough to unleash them on your daughters. Caddish men no longer have to hide their baser urges—women now play the game too, and it’s all about who can sufficiently intoxicate the other. And if you knock someone up and have your kid killed, hey! It’s blog fodder. As Tennyson wrote:

Rip your brothers' vices open, strip your own foul passions bare;

Down with Reticence, down with Reverence--forward--naked--let them stare.

Mr. Bacon has given us all a good look at what “liberated” society becomes: A torrid group of deadbeat dads and moms willing to give up their children for one night stands.

Reprinted with permission from UnmaskingChoice.ca.

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