(LifeSiteNews) — “One bead at a time, one decade at a time. That’s all you have to do.”
That’s what my dad said to me. During the darkest days of my adult life, he was encouraging me to keep praying the Rosary. My husband was in the throes of struggle in active drug addiction, and I was in the trenches of being the loved one, the wife, the mom – all while trying to be wonder-woman and keep everyone treading water.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but that’s a weight no one person is supposed to carry on their own. It was my cross to carry for a time, but when God is trying to tell you that it’s His to carry, you have to tell yourself to “let go and let God.” I didn’t want God to take over completely. I was convinced I knew better than He did. My husband Jesse was in the most vulnerable and painful place of his life, and God wanted me to let go? Wait a minute, what happened to “in sickness and in health?”
I can remember thinking, “I can’t let go now, no, I have to stick with him, I have to help Jesse fix this.” Letting go of control and letting God step in where your human efforts have failed is a hard stop sign to yield to. Incredibly hard. Sometimes we lose sight of God while trying to handle all the stresses of life on our own. When that happens, we can find ourselves in some very dark and low places.
For an addict, the spiral down begins with a choice they make. It grabs hold of them spiritually and emotionally, plays on those emotions, and convinces them that they need the drug to numb the pain. After that, they’re physically addicted and don’t know how to live without it. They feel stuck in quicksand. It has such a grip on them that there isn’t anything they wouldn’t do or anyone they wouldn’t hurt to get that “fix.” They want to be numb to it all: the accountability, the self-loathing. Anything to escape the reality of the pain they’re feeling and causing for others.
Drug abuse is a modern-day form of possession if I’ve ever seen it. In Jesse’s case, he had to be the one to figure it out, take the step into recovery, and face his demons by himself. But being the loved one of an addict can pull you under with them. I became codependent with Jesse’s addiction. I didn’t know that it was possible to help or love someone to their downfall. Enabling, is what it’s called. You’re there with a pillow for a soft landing every time they fall and not letting them feel the full weight of the consequences of their choices. If you keep running after them with that proverbial pillow, they will never learn to stand up by themselves.
God was trying to tell me He needed to take over and I needed to step aside to let Him work in His mysterious ways. And that was one of the most painful things I had ever done: let go of my husband and surrender him to God’s will. In one of the scariest nights of our situation, I thought I was going to lose Jesse. Looking back now, I know I was inspired by Our Lady that night to pick up the beads. I prayed Rosary after Rosary after Rosary. In line with the direction of 2 Corithians 12:9, I prayed for God’s power in my weakness.
I had no idea where Jesse was that night or what was happening, but later I learned during that time he was at the peak of heavy substance abuse and had narrowly averted death. Because of that inspiration, I am sure I was praying in the most decisive moments of his life. Ever so mercifully, Mary heard my prayers that night and answered me. I understood then very clearly why the Rosary is the weapon of our time.
Looking death in the face was the pivotal moment that began Jesse’s sobriety. He had to hit his own rock bottom and see Jesus reaching for him himself to truly change the direction his life was taking him.
Jesse’s choice to put the drugs down and live a sober life was a miracle in itself. It wasn’t an overnight fix though. Staying clean is just the first step. We took our time and worked on healing ourselves individually before trying to be a healthy family unit again. The beginning of addiction recovery is a process. A very patient process. (Side note: It takes at least a year for an addict’s brain to physically heal from drug abuse. During that time, the work of trying to identify and heal the wounds from where the addiction behavior first manifested begins. A new way of living requires a lot of digging deep into therapy, a lot of new learning about ourselves and the why behind the choices we make. It takes a lot of practice implementing good and different behaviors for productive change. This is a marathon, not sprint. It’s one day at a time, one Rosary bead at a time. This healing process is every bit a spiritual combat as it is a physical one.)
During this journey, my expectations were off the charts thinking God would wave a magic wand and all would be fine once Jesse was clean. The years the devil had taken, all the mistakes that were made – it only gets easier from here, right God? No, that’s not how that worked. I moved out of the way for God to be with Jesse, and at the same time God was working on me. Jesse’s recovery opened a door into my own rehab. My faith and relationship with God needed its own overhaul. Jesse had fallen into addiction, but he wasn’t the only one that needed divine light and an awakening. God showed me just how powerful giving grace and forgiveness was. And neither of us would have been able to give or receive those two things if God hadn’t let us fall first. He broke us down to our core to truly start living with Him.
Drug addiction is a sickness that can claim both the lives of the addict and their loved ones, it affects the family as a whole. I prayed for the impossible and that prayer was answered in the form of grace – we were learning to die to ourselves and our old way of living. I’d never been more grateful to start over. It was the greatest blessing we could have ever been given. God never waved a magic wand, but instead, He gave us a chance to earn grace, faith, and a new life and love through humility and grit. He answered my cry to save our family, but in His way and in His time, not mine. When I felt like everything about our lives was lost and torn in pieces, God was clearing the way for something entirely new. It’s no wonder everything was in pieces. His masterful puzzle was being put together and how it was happening was beyond anything I could have comprehended, and it began by the beads of the Rosary.
My soul-to-soul connection with God happened in my darkest nights. He was showing me what spiritual perseverance really was: you just keep going. Through the hard, through the waiting, through the dark, through the pain – you do the hard things, keep punching and keep showing up. You believe in what your earthly eyes cannot see, but what your soul knows is true. And I would not have been able to do any of this without the Blessed Mother. If anyone understood the hardship of suffering, she did. She never left Christ at His cross, and I knew she wouldn’t leave me holding mine. From the second I reached for her; she never left my side. Truly, as my mother, she continually showed me she was there with me.
Jesse and I don’t have it all figured out, but we do know we were given a gift: a fresh start with understanding, peace, happiness, and healing for our souls and family. It’s how we try to live our lives now, with the best effort we can, God-centered, with the Rosary in-hand. We are not infallible. This is not a fairytale about us, it’s just what we lived through – the truth – the real, the scarred, the broken parts of us and our experiences that helped us make it to the other side. Despite the odds, we continue to grow and learn together. One bead at a time was my saving grace then as it is now. The Rosary is enduring, it never fails. I ask our kids this frequently: “What’s the most important thing you can do?” “Pray the Rosary,” they reply. It keeps you fighting, it keeps you going, it keeps the conversational bridge open between you and God. It brings peace to your family, your home and your soul.
Even in the darkest of times when all you can do is hold the beads: persevere. Take heart, God and Our Lady will meet you there.
Finally, brethren, be strengthened in the Lord, and in the might of His power. Put you on the armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the deceits of the devil. For our wrestling is not against the flesh and blood; but against the principalities and powers, against rulers of the world of this darkness, against the spirits of wickedness in the high places. Therefore, take unto you the armor of God, that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and to stand in all things perfect.
Ephesians 6:10-13
You can read Erin Benson and her husband Jesse’s full testimony in their book titled, “Where You Go, I Will Go.” You can also follow Erin on TikTok, YouTube and Instagram.