Interview: Robin Beck on her 35 years in the gay lifestyle
Robin Teresa Beck, 59, lived through 12 lesbian relationships over the course of 35 years before her dramatic conversion to the Catholic faith and healing from homosexuality, just five years ago. She shares her story with LifeSiteNews.
LSN: You went from one lesbian relationship to another — 12 in total — always hoping that the woman you were with would be the last one. At one point in one of your last relationships you felt that everything in your life would be fine if only you could figure out how to create a “healthy gay relationship.” One thing you saw as a pattern in all your relationships was that as soon as they became sexual, things deteriorated. Why is that? What is the mechanism at play here?
Beck: I believe that when something becomes sexualized, it just brings up your totality of who you are and I think that most people who are in a gay lifestyle are wounded. So then when the sex begins, all the woundedness kind of shows up. And I think when you have got two people together in intimacy who are both dealing with a lot of psychological and spiritual hurts and wounds on their souls, it’s just bigger than anything they can cope with.
It’s my belief that all gay folks are wounded. Many people, including good solid Christians, take issue with that stance. But I have yet to meet a person active in this lifestyle — or who has come out of it — who is not harboring some pain, rejection, etc., from years gone by, usually from childhood.
But there’s more at play here. Women are emotional, that’s our strong point, and when you put two women together in intimacy, you’ve got drama all over the place. It’s like a soap opera on steroids. That’s something that most women in a Lesbian relationship will not tell you. You know, God made men more sexually driven, and women are just more emotionally driven. And that’s the beauty of men and women coming together in partnership: Somehow, it balances out. Men and women balance each other out. But when you put men together sexually, you get guys who become unsatisfied and always looking for something more. That’s why some gay men go through a hundred relationships, some even a thousand. It's similar when two women become sexual together: There is nothing but emotion, turmoil, and all kinds of upheaval.
LSN: Would a same-sex relationship work if people did not have any woundedness that they brought into that relationship?
Beck: No. It’s not going to work out because of the way God created us. Our Creator said that a man leaves his mother and father and comes together with his wife and the two become one flesh. God’s creative design was for men and women, not for men with men or women with women.
It’s like if one day I think my car should become a boat and I plunge it into a river thinking this is totally passible. But General Motors begs to differ. If I toss aside GM’s plan for the car and drive into the river, the car will sink and I will drown. God created us. He knows and tells us the way he made us to be. You have to put your soul in alignment with scripture. From my experience, it is impossible to have a healthy gay relationship because it goes against the way God made us to be.
Now, some people might learn to function in these relationships — some might say that they’ve been together for 40 years and that they’re really happy — but I think they always end up deviating from created design in their attempt to become happy. Some people might just believe they are happy as their car sinks into the river, but eventually reality will set in. God made women to be women, and men to be men. If you’re going to put men together sexually, that relationship has got to deviate from the way God created sexual relationships to be and that will only cause misery to the people involved.
LSN: You wrote that your “attraction to women was always emotional” and that you thought that “this is true for the majority of gay women.” Why do you think this is the case? Why were your emotional needs never really met in these lesbian relationships?
Beck: Men’s number one need is respect. Women’s number one need is more for love and emotional nurturing. When you put two women in a relationship who are both needing the same thing, it is very hard for them to meet needs in each other. God created men and women as complimentary so that each could fill the needs of the other – men receiving respect and women receiving that emotional love. They can give this to each other because they are both needing something different.
I think the majority of lesbians who are craving relationships with other women have a deficiency in their relationship with their mother. I know it’s true for me. I did not get the nurturing I needed from my mom. I had this woundedness from my mother and I tried to have it healed by turning to other women and asking them to give me what my mother was not able to.
When I was 10 years old I remember seeing the Sound of Music with Julie Andrews. It is such a powerful movie about this wonderful woman Maria, who comes into this very sad family of seven kids where the mom has died and the dad is detached, and she brings life and love into the family. I would sit in the rocking chair all day long and listen to the music and stare at the pictures on the album of Julie Andrews, believing that if Julie Andrews loved me, my life would be OK. On some level, I think I was looking for someone to be Maria to me all my life. She was going to come into my life and everything was going to be OK. But it never happened.
LSN: You grew up with Christianity being a huge part of your life. In the later part of your life, you spent a lot of time and effort in an attempt to try to bend Christianity to your homosexual outlook? Why was that?
Beck: I think because I’ve always had a God-consciousness and always had this strong connection to God. I knew that I couldn’t live my life without God, but I also knew that I couldn’t live my life without love, and my only love option for human love at that time was with another woman.
But I still knew that I needed God. And since I wouldn’t be able to let go of either one, I had to twist scripture. I would say: ‘Surely God is OK with my relationship choices’ and ‘surely the bible means something else when it condemns homosexuality.’ I wanted God to look favorably upon my immoral life. That was my mindset back then because I was so desperate for love, so afraid of being alone. I had to share my life with somebody.
LSN: How do you think God looks on people who struggle with homosexuality?
Beck: I now believe that it breaks God’s heart when people go there because he knows the way he made us and he knows that going down that road will rob us of life, of the wonderful life that he has called us to live.
I don’t think God is up there hating gay people. I think he loves people who get caught up in this sin because he knows that he has something so much better for them. I believe with all my heart that the Lord not only delivers people from this sin, but he restores us to our God given sexuality. I have such profound love and respect for marriage. The greatest heartache of my life is knowing that I missed out on marriage and that the ship has sailed on having kids. That is just such a tremendous loss for me.
LSN: You wrote that it was God who brought you out of the homosexual lifestyle and you called it a “huge miracle.” Why was this such a huge miracle?
Beck: Because every day for 35 years of my life I dreamed of finding that perfect relationship with another woman. I was so terrified of being alone that when one relationship was ending, I was already starting the next one because — God forbid — I should spend more than one day without knowing that another person loved me and that I was someone else’s special ‘somebody.’
And the miracle is that for the last five years, I have been OK with being God’s special ‘somebody.’ I’ve been OK with every day waking up by myself and waking rejoicing that I have a right relationship with God now. It’s just his amazing grace that sustains me being alone. That’s the miracle.
LSN: During the recent Synod on the Family in Rome, it appeared to much of the world that the Catholic Church was beginning to crumble regarding its understanding of homosexuality as a disorder and homosexual acts as gravely sinful acts that cuts off from the soul the life of God. What might you say to a Catholic bishop who thinks the only way to love persons with same-sex attraction is to embrace their same-sex inclination, bless their relationships, and condone their actions?
Beck: I would say that it’s very cruel that any bishop would even go there. I believe that what the Church needs to do is to be loving and truthful. If we just give truth with no love, that’s kind of like open heart surgery without anesthesia. There needs to be compassion. The Church needs to be a hospital.
But people cannot begin getting well until there’s repentance. And people won’t repent unless they hear the truth. The truth is that God has not made people to have intimate relationships with someone of the same sex. It destroys your soul. This truth cannot be compromised on. God did not give us a body, soul, and spirit to have that kind of intimacy and for it to be life-nurturing and God-honoring. That’s just the facts. There’s no better way to say it.
In a similar way, when a doctor has to tell you that you’ve got cancer. ‘You’ve got cancer,’ he says. He doesn’t have to yell it at you, but he has to gently speak it, and it’s going to cause someone to cry. It’s scary news, just like it’s scary news for the 19-year-old, who thinks ‘this is who I am and I can only love someone of my same sex’ to hear someone say that engaging in this lifestyle is spiritually and even biologically deadly.
The Church needs to lovingly say to this person: ‘This is not who you are. Acting on same-sex inclinations is never going to bring you to a place where you can have a right relationship with God. In fact, if you go this way, you are heading down a destructive path. The good news is we love you, we are gong to be patient with you. If you fall a thousand times, we will still be there for you.’
LSN: A recent Pew research poll showed that fully 85% of self-identified U.S. Catholics ages 18-29 said that homosexuality should be accepted by society, compared with just 13% who said it should be discouraged. Even among Catholics ages 65 and older, 57% say that homosexuality should be accepted. What does this say to you that so many Catholics support homosexuality even though scripture, tradition, and magisterium speak a very different message?
Beck: To me it says we are in trouble. Even my RCIA [Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults] instructor who was the pastoral associate of the parish told me that homosexuality was OK. I was so broken at that point from all my lesbian relationships and so repentant that all I could say to her was was ‘No way.’ Even the parish priest and the parishioners indicated to me that homosexuality was OK. All I could think was: ‘Lord have mercy, they don’t know the misery they are condoning. Lord, have mercy on your Church.’
This poll is terrifying.
LSN: What exactly is terrifying about this poll?
Beck: That people do not see homosexuality for what it is. I think because I was so broken and so totally sickened by my sin that for me it was like: ‘I’m never going back there. I don’t care if Pope Francis gets in the chair and proclaims homosexual behavior is no longer a sin — which of course he can’t do — but if he did, I would be like: ‘No, I’m sorry. It is a sin.’ I don’t care who tries to tell me otherwise. I am just resolute on that.
It makes me very scared to think what my friends struggling with homosexual tendencies might hear if I were to bring them to a Catholic Church. I fear they might hear ‘it’s OK,’ which is not the message they need to hear.
We Catholics are in big trouble. It’s as if we are just taking orders from the world instead of from God. People need to get on their knees and repent. The Pope needs to call us to get on our knees and repent. The Church is supposed to be the light. We are supposed to stand fast with Truth and not compromise with the world.
When a Catholic kid tells his parent’s that he’s ‘gay,’ we see that parents suddenly start supporting homosexuality. They think that since they raised their kid in what they think is a normal healthy way, then homosexuality must be OK. We see parents supporting their kid’s disorder instead of lovingly reminding him or her of the ways of the Lord. Jesus warned parents if they love their child more than him, then they are not worthy of being his disciples (Luke 14:26). Catholic parents need to take this seriously to heart.
LSN: What message would you give Catholics who support homosexuality?
Beck: I would say to them that the Bible is as true today as it was when it was first written. I would ask them to join me in getting down on our knees to repent and to ask the Lord to flood our hearts with truth.
It’s funny that for 35 years I was twisting scripture to justify my lesbian relationships, but when I repented I said: ‘No more’ and I started reading my Bible every day. I would pray beforehand: ‘Lord, you know I’ve twisted your word for decades, please let me see truth.’ And he did. God is faithful. When you pray that prayer, and ask the Holy Spirit to help you see truth, he will do it.
This is what all Catholics need to do. And priests need to stop people-pleasing. They need to speak the truth in love. If people pack-up and go away, well, so be it. When their lives get broken, they’ll be back. And they’ll be back at a place that truly is a hospital, where people can find true comfort and healing.
LSN: Many people struggle with unwanted same-sex attraction, but the homosexualized culture of America pushes them to embrace that attraction and try to find happiness by acting out. What would you say to them?
Beck: I would say that God can heal you of the struggle. I know it’s not a very popular message, but I know it’s true because for 35 years I was in it and now, thanks to him, I am no longer. If God can heal me, God can heal anybody.
On top of praying to God for healing, there are specific things that people struggling with unwanted same-sex attraction can do. They should reach out to friends who they know will support them in their journey. They should seek help from healing ministries within the Church. They should connect with support groups [like Courage]. They should throw out their television and tune into Christian radio. They need to know they can be healed, that they can be freed, that they don’t have to spend the rest of their lives in this agony.
Jesus desires to give them everything if they would but just ask for it. Psalm 23 says: ‘He restores my soul.’ Either it’s true or it’s not. I know that it’s true. It happened to me.