Post-abortion mom: ‘I wish abortion was illegal! I would be with my child’
SAN DIEGO, California, April 8, 2013 (LifeSiteNews.com) – The young woman sat inside her friend’s dorm room, cramping and bleeding on the toilet. It was early 2008, the eve of her nineteenth birthday. The clinic worker had given her a pill to take orally and a few others to place inside herself internally. She knew that in a few more hours it would all be over. She would be over this inconvenience. She would have her life back.
She had convinced herself again that this was the best thing to do.
But Hannah Smith (named changed) could not ignore the irony of the timing. Why was it that on the day she should have been celebrating her own birth, she was deliberately making sure that the new life inside of her would never have a birthday to celebrate? How did things come to this? Hannah replayed the events in her mind’s eye.
The young woman had recently started her freshman year at an out-of-state university. Her parents, who were footing the bill, had big expectations for her. Hannah had been raised Catholic, but had traded in what she considered to be outdated and restrictive religious values for the glamorous goods and pleasures offered by the world.
It was during a Christmas break visit at home that things really became complicated. Hannah’s mom, who had been playing matchmaker in her absence, introduced her to the son of a close friend. But they got carried away way too fast. The young couple partied hard and ended up having sex a few times. Hannah had thought at the time that she was invincible and that nothing could get in the way of her life’s plan.
But then she discovered she was pregnant.
She didn’t dare tell her mother, who she was sure would make her keep the baby. If this happened, then her life as she knew it would be over. Her boyfriend made it evident that he no longer wanted anything to do with her or their baby. He had given Hannah $350 and told her to go and get an abortion.
Abandoned, alone, and scared, Hannah couldn’t imagine life as a single mother. So here she was on her nineteenth birthday, sitting on the toilet in her friend’s dorm room, aborting her baby.
Living to forget
A few years went by. Hannah was now married and pregnant with her first child from that marriage. She had tried to live as if the abortion had never happened. Her plan was to forget that chapter of her life for the rest of her life. She had even kept the secret of her abortion from her husband.
Then, one day, her repressed abortion experience suddenly rose up like a specter from the past, confronting her head-on.
Hannah had been reading about a near death experience of a man in which he saw himself on the verge of being cast into hell for choosing to love and serve himself instead of those who had been placed in his life by God.
Suddenly the pregnant mother found herself breaking down and wailing uncontrollably. Her husband asked what was wrong. Hannah told him that she did not want to end up in hell because of her choices. She now saw clearly that she was responsible for the death of her baby and would one day face judgment for her choice.
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Hannah also read around this time the near death experience of Dr. Gloria Polo, the Columbian orthodontist who was struck by lightning and found herself to be deserving of hell for aborting one baby and unintentionally ending the lives of many other babies through her use of toxic contraceptives.
In Dr. Polo’s testimony, Hannah read that abortion is the “worst of all sin” because it is “to kill your own children, to kill a baby.” She read that at the moment when a new life is created, it’s as if a beautiful spark of light sent from God explodes in the womb of the new mother. For the first time, she saw the conception of her first child as a beautiful event full of light and full of spirit.
She realized that she had been too selfish and too self-absorbed to allow such beauty to enter her life. She now plainly saw her choice to abort as nothing but a selfish, cowardly act. She realized that she had ended the life of a new, unrepeatable, beautiful person who she would have grown to love and who would have in time returned that love to her.
Finding peace after abortion
Hannah, now 24, believes that sorrow and loss do not have the final word over her abortion experience. Despite frequently shedding tears over her loss and grief, she believes in her heart that her aborted baby is with God in heaven. And she hopes to be there one day with her child, where God “will wipe away every tear from their eyes,” as the Bible says (Revelations 21.4).
Hannah, who submitted her testimony to LifeSiteNews, said in an interview that looking back she can see what put her on the path to choosing abortion.
“All of my friends were not religious and didn't have the morals I was raised with, so I wanted to fit in with my friends and if that meant doing things that I was taught not to do, then so be it. Also with so much sexualization in the media, it was thought that being sexually active was ‘cool,’ especially in a college setting.”
“I felt the pressure of society and became the selfish self proclaimed woman that society had wanted me to be,” she said.
As a mother of two, Hannah says she now understands the reasons behind her Christian up-bringing that would have her honor and respect all human life and save sex for marriage.
“Now that I am a little bit older and have a family of my own, I understand why my parents and my faith taught me those things. Now I know it is important to be a better person and display this to be a good role model for my children.”
Hannah has come to deeply regret her ‘choice’. She wishes that ending her baby’s life had never been a legal option for her.
“I know I wouldn't have made that choice if it were not so accessible to me. I would have dealt with my consequences as I should have,” she said. “I wish abortion was never legal, and I never would have had that choice, because I would be with my child, and my life would not be so full of pain and regret.”
Hannah pointed out that if the right to life guaranteed by the Declaration of Independence were cherished and lived by all Americans, then abortion would not be tolerated. She has come to see ‘choice’ as an ugly euphemism for ‘murder’.
“Abortion is the greatest evil of our time, and we have brushed it off as if it is a woman’s choice. If I could do time in prison for the murder I committed, I would. It shouldn’t be a choice,” she said.
A gift to your baby
Hannah hopes that her testimony might spare other young women from making her mistake.
“Please, do not take the life of your child. Keep hope, and keep your head up high. You can still accomplish your goals even with a child, or you could always give the child up for adoption to a loving couple who are in need of a loving child,” she said.
“Don't rob that child of its life because you are scared or because you think your life will be over. If you keep the child, that child will bring you so much happiness and love like you never imagined possible. I know because I have two loving children now who have given my life so much meaning.”
“Don't do it because you will regret it so much later in your life, especially when you do have children of your own. You will know what you missed out on. It is very painful and very hard to forgive yourself after abortion. You must look at how beautiful your life is, and how if your mother would have chosen abortion, you would have never experienced it.”
“Please give your child this gift. Please choose life.”
Editor’s note: Healing is available for post-abortive women experiencing depression or feelings of unworthiness, feeling guilt, anger, shame or sorrow in relation to your abortion, using drugs or alcohol in order to cope, having abortion related nightmares, dreams or flashbacks. Visit:
Abortion Recovery International
Silent No More Awareness Campaign