(LifeSiteNews) — On August 22, the traditional Feast of the Immaculate Heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary, my advocate Dr. Janet Smith and I had an unforgettable Zoom meeting with Bishop Joseph Strickland. He is the only bishop who has met with me for no other reason than to listen to my story and shepherd me like a lamb, no strings attached.
Over the years, I’ve become accustomed to being treated like a liability – probably because, as the victim of a priest’s misconduct, I am one to complicit clergy. But I was not seen as one by this canceled bishop, a good man who cares only about souls. Toward the end of the Zoom meeting, I looked at Bishop Strickland and said, “Sometimes I feel as though we are nailed to opposite sides of the same cross.” Although I couldn’t quite find the right words, he gently nodded, and I think he knew precisely what I was trying to convey.
In 2022, Bishop Robert McElroy’s promotion to the cardinalate despite his documented coverup of my case made headlines. As public as that scandal is, I have never told the story of my soul. With the upcoming release of my book, I will finally tell it. After describing how I experienced radical redemption through a return to Catholic Tradition, I detail how important the Traditional Latin Mass has been to me. It is not only the key that has unlocked a Eucharistic revival in my soul but the very thing that has made sense of my completely senseless suffering.
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I was an unlikely person to discover the Traditional Latin Mass (TLM). However, in 2015, my husband Rich led me to it. It wasn’t because we had any special attachment to it; it’s because we were desperate. My therapist had advised me to discontinue attending Mass altogether because of the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I would experience Sunday after Sunday. (The ritual abuse I suffered took place during a private Mass.) Because the mere turning of any Catholic priest toward me during the rite was so upsetting, I would often run out of the church in hysteria. When I told the therapist that missing our Sunday obligation was simply not an option for us, she recommended that we explore a different rite. Thus, she planted a seed that would eventually grow into a most deeply rooted tree and the joy of my spiritual life.
Because the priest faces east or “ad orientem,” rather than the congregation, I found safety almost immediately after I began to attend the TLM. I could concentrate on the sacrifice that the priest was making to God rather than having to “confront” another priest face to face.
Because I felt safe, I stayed.
Now that I was able to remain through the entire Mass, my heart began finally to bleed – in a surprising but healthy and healing way. I began to process what happened to me, which involved a reliving of pain, humiliation and betrayal at every single Mass – which, in fact, is literally a part of every Mass.
At the TLM, I began to recognize Christ both as the priest and as the victim. I no longer felt alone as a victim within the very context of the Holy Sacrifice. In the silence of my heart, I began to understand that I could offer my own victimization to the victimized Christ and console His Heart in a way many others could not.
I discovered anew the mystery of the Mass. This became my secret to survival, and eventually it became my joy. The Tridentine Mass befits this mystery. Although I first discovered it through my woundedness, I eventually stayed because of what the TLM did with my wounds, something that the Novus Ordo cannot do.
It is hard to interpret what is happening in the Diocese of Tyler, Texas, as anything other than diabolical. I will speak for myself: depriving a soul that has been as traumatized as mine of the TLM, a spiritual treasure which the Church has held dear for over sixteen hundred years, would be nothing less than an act of spiritual suffocation.
RELATED: Latin Mass at cathedral in Bishop Strickland’s former diocese to be canceled
Cardinal Robert Sarah sees the devil behind the decision to eliminate the Mass of the Ages from the life of the Church. In a 2019 interview he said, “Is it not true that prohibiting or suspecting the extraordinary form [i.e. the Traditional Latin Mass] can only be inspired by the demon who desires our suffocation and spiritual death? …What a deception and insult to all the saints who have gone before us!”
If I were to have another Zoom meeting with Bishop Strickland today, I would say “I feel as though clergy sex abuse survivors like me, canceled bishops like you, and traditional Catholics in Tyler, Texas, are all nailed to the same cross.” And my guess is that he would again nod his head and gently smile, even though his shepherd’s heart bleeds with the hearts of his lambs. After all, he is a true shepherd who has laid down his life for his sheep.
The day after I met Bishop Strickland, he released a letter titled “Open Your Eyes.” As a survivor of satanic ritual abuse and coverup by clerics, I hope to echo the prophetic voice of Bishop Strickland – a voice crying out in the wilderness – amidst this dark moment in the life of the Church. We must open our eyes and wake up!
Although Catholics are abandoning the Barque of Peter because of stories like mine, I dare to say that there is no better time to be Catholic. If I can find a way forward through a return to Tradition, any Catholic can. And if I have found Christ the most deeply in my heaviest cross, the Church can find Him the most deeply in hers, too. It is the time of the Church’s crucifixion, and we must cling to Mary, who stood at the foot of the cross.
We too must stand firm knowing that in the end of all this, her Immaculate Heart will triumph. In the words of Saint Pope Pius X, “Let the storm rage and the sky darken – not for that shall we be dismayed. If we trust as we should in Mary, we shall recognize in her, the Virgin Most Powerful who with virginal foot did crush the head of the serpent.”