Oct. 7, 2013 (UnmaskingChoice) – “What does someone who thinks like you want someone who thinks like me to understand?”
That was my question for Noah, a very angry student I met a few months ago. But I didn’t ask it right away.
Noah and I were debating abortion in a conversation at a pro-life exhibit; but as I presented the pro-life case simply and reasonably, appealing to science and philosophy, I was getting nowhere.
If my arguments were like bouncy balls, instead of him catching each with every throw, it was as though he was building up a huge brick wall and with each toss on my end, they bounced back.
Noah was agitated and interruptive. His growing hostility made me realize something: He wasn’t ignorant. He was in denial. It’s not that he didn’t know the pro-life argument; it’s that he didn’t want to know it.
Noah’s problem wasn’t in his head; it was in his heart.
I have found myself facing more “Noahs” of late. With Canada’s history littered with the corpses of over 3 million pre-born children, I shouldn’t be surprised. A whole lot of people we speak with aren’t merely defending a pro-abortion worldview in theory; they are defending their very selves, or their loved ones—their pasts, their deadly choices.
The disposition of these who are in denial is fundamentally different from the disposition of the ignorant. When the latter hear a pro-life argument, they are enlightened—a reaction of the head. But when the former hear it, they are agitated—a reaction of the heart. This different reaction necessitates a fundamentally different response.
It is here where the pro-lifer must learn to master the art of branching from the head to the heart.
The key word is “branch.” We should initially meet the person where they’re at, engaging them on an intellectual level if that’s where the conversation began. But when that fails to break through to them, consider asking questions that could draw things from their heart:
“Do you mind if I ask, how old were you when you first learned about abortion? And what was your opinion then?” As you get answers, inquire, “Has it changed since then?” And then, “When and why?”
Children instinctively are pro-life, so if you encounter someone who learned about abortion at a young age and was pro-life but admits to becoming pro-abortion later, it's important to find out what happened to make them change their view. Bringing that incident/experience/memory to the surface can help break down the wall that's preventing logic from getting through, or at the very least an opportunity for the other person to open their heart and be listened to.
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My colleague Siobhan recently applied this strategy when speaking with a teenage boy outside a high school. That student told her he thought we should kill people who are disabled or unwanted or anyone who is going to struggle. Initially Siobhan used intellectual argumentation but found nothing was getting through. So she decided to ask him when he first learned about abortion. He said he was raised Christian and pro-life and she asked when his views changed. He said when he became a teen and started thinking for himself, so she asked for a specific time and his answer was revealing: He said his friend committed suicide as a result of facing struggles, and before the suicide he and his friend had talked about how they felt it would be better to kill someone before they struggle, via abortion, if a horrible fate awaited them. Clearly this teenager is still working through the pain of knowing his friend’s suffering and despair—which is in turn colouring his perception.
Another question to ask is this: “Where does your passion come from?” or, “Do you know anyone who’s had an abortion?”
Sometimes when we ask these “heart” questions, the person doesn’t really reveal anything for us to work with, so there’s really not much we can do. But if they offer things such as, “My sister had an abortion!” we can ask questions, as I did to one male student, like,
“What do you think I think about your sister?”
This question provides the abortion advocate an opportunity to verbalize their feelings and fears—maybe they fear your condemnation of abortion means you hate their loved one, and it gives you an opportunity to clarify and speak about your own post-abortive friends or relatives.
In these moments, it’s not about arguing morality. It’s about seeking to understand where the other person is coming from. Keep in mind—the whole reason you’re dialoguing with the person is because they heard you articulate the head argument. You already explained that, and if you seek to understand, when they leave, they’ll not only remember your arguments were intelligent, but also that you were kind.
One helpful question can lead to other, helpful ones (though not all at once): “Do you think your love for your sister is holding you back from condemning something she did? Do you think it's possible to love someone yet detest something they do? If your sister drove drunk and killed someone, you would assumedly condemn what she did but wouldn't you still love her? Why not do the same regarding her abortion?”
Other questions like these can be asked:
“Have you given yourself permission to grieve the loss of your niece or nephew? Why not?”
“Have you thought about nick-naming the child?”
“Have you thought about planting some symbol of life to keep the child's memory alive and positive?”
Note: It’s important to remember that if we move to the heart, we should “proceed with caution.” We aren’t professionals, and asking these questions could bring a lot of pain to the surface. If you don’t think the person would be open to an overt offer for professional help (“Would you like information about post-abortion counseling?”) look for ways to speak in “code” to get that message across (“You know, I learned from my friend who had an abortion that coming to terms with her past was really painful. But now that she has had counseling and found healing, she encourages other women to seek the help she received. In fact, that’s why we promote this help website on our brochure, so people struggling know they’re not alone and can get help.”)
The Mayo Clinic has this advice online about encountering those in denial: “If your loved one is in denial about a serious health issue, such as depression, cancer or an addiction, broaching the issue may be especially difficult. Offer support and empathetic listening. Don't try to force someone to seek treatment, which could lead to angry confrontations.”
The key words there are “offer support and empathetic listening.” That’s consistent with the old Prayer of St. Francis: “Grant that I may not so much seek to be understood as to understand.”
If we truly listen, and the person feels heard, instead of throwing bouncy balls at a wall, you may just observe that wall come down.
Reprinted with permission from UnmaskingChoice.ca.