Editor's Note: This blogpost from the English blog 'that the bones you have crushed may thrill' is a hilarious application of Cardinal Kasper's 'inclusive' agenda. Be sure to read to the end.
Fr Dwight Longnecker is asking how it is that priests are meant to 'welcome' gays. Other priests may also be wondering how this should be done sensitively, pastorally and without making any 'gays' in the congregation feel like they are in some way different to everybody else.
“Dear brothers and sisters, welcome to St. __________ Church for this the __nd/st/rd Sunday of Ordinary Time/week of Advent/Lent. Before we examine our consciences and ask the Lord for His mercy, I would like to welcome everyone to St. _________'s Church and particularly any gays who may be in the congregation.”
This sensitive and helpful template guide will help priests in any possible welcoming situation. The word, 'gays' can also be replaced or exchanged with 'lesbians', 'transgenders', 'transvestites', 'bi-sexuals', 'unsures', 'asexuals' or 'questioning' as well as a multitude of other fabricated sexualities now dominating the queer studies lecturing circuit.
Of course, it can also be applied to any people in the congregation of various abilities such as blind, hard of hearing, disabled, those with mental health issues, those of different ethnic minorities and many more.
The advice is to try and keep the welcome snappy, Fathers, so do not fall into the trap of trying to welcome everyone by any characteristic, sexual predilection, ability, or ethnic minorities, otherwise the 'welcome' will go on too long and it will have been a good fifteen minutes before you get onto the Kyrie and, if appropriate for the season, the Gloria. This is due to the need for sensitivity to ensure that no 'party' of people feels more respected than another, which gives rise to the possibility of over-zealous repetition of the 'types' mentioned in your special 'welcome'.
The following example, therefore, is to be avoided, if possible..
“Dear brothers and sisters, welcome to St. Perpetua's Church for this the 23rd Sunday of Ordinary Time. Before we examine our consciences and ask the Lord for His mercy, I would of course like to welcome everyone to St. Perpetua's Church but particularly any gays, lesbians, blacks, transgendered, transvestites, bisexuals, unsure, questioning, disabled, wheelchair users, hard of hearing, blind, Filipino, Irish, Spanish, Portugese, Latin American, asexuals, sufferers with mental health issues (add other 'types' here) who may be in the congregation. If I have missed anyone out I do apologise, but in particular, welcome to any gays out there. Therefore, I hope you feel welcome. And lesbians too…and…(insert 'types' you re-welcome here)…”
There is a special version of this helpful template for Cardinal Kasper, in which case an exception can be added at the end:
“…Therefore, I hope you all feel welcome, apart from any Africans. We don't listen to you and you can't tell us what to do. Your views are not wanted and your participation is not welcome here. By the way if anyone asks you whether I just said that, I didn't. In the unlikely event I have been recorded, if you have recorded me saying that, I have powerful friends in journalism, so don't take me on. I can destroy you, hear me? Yes! Destroy you!”
This, naturally, should be inserted at the end of the welcome only if Cardinal Kasper is celebrating Mass and should be delivered pastorally and as sensitively as possible by the said prelate. In no other circumstances should be be adopted. Copies of this welcoming template are available from CTS for just £3.99.
Reprinted with permission from thatthebonesyouhavecrushedmaythrill.blogspot.ca.