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‘Jessica’s story’ - During the procedure I kept screaming, “I’m sorry!”

By Jessica K.

I picture how my baby would look, laying his or her head on my chest, being rocked to sleep. It will haunt me for life.

Abortion was never something I agreed with, unless you were raped or had severe health problems. So I was shocked when I brought that option up to my ex. He jumped right on board and told me it was the best answer because we couldn't afford another child. I'm already a single mom to two. He had a child as well.

I bawled my eyes out the night we discussed it, and I told him I didn't know if I could go through with it. I put off making the appointment as long as possible. But my ex and I were having issues from him cheating on me, and I felt he still was. I didn't think I could raise or afford another child.

When we got to the clinic, it felt so surreal. Was I really gonna be able to do it? What if God didn't forgive me?

And I had already fallen in love with this baby.

During the procedure, which I found painful, I kept screaming, "I'm sorry!" It didn't help that I saw a picture of the ultrasound on top of my file. It broke my heart to see that little body in that picture – knowing that I was his or her mother. My instinct as a mother is to protect, and I was doing the opposite.

I have regretted that day ever since. I have been grieving. Society makes you feel as if you don't have the right to grieve and be sad, because it was your choice...but damn it, I need to grieve.

I picked a name. I pray all the time, asking God to take care of my baby.

I found out two weeks after the procedure that my ex was cheating again, so we broke up, which made everything worse. I picture how my baby would look, laying his or her head on my chest, being rocked to sleep. I still can't go in the baby section in stores.

It's a decision that will haunt me for life.

Note: The author of this testimony prefers to remain anonymous. 'Jessica K.' is a pseudonym. 

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